ANYWAY, I had a really rough time yesterday. It's actually been building for a few days, but last night was when it came to a head for me. For a very long time, I've had it in the back of my head that if we get my medications right, I'll lose weight. So sure, I'm fine with being in this body because it's not going to be like this forever. Yeah, being fat is what it is because I'm not going to be fat much longer. I love myself just the way I am because it'll be over soon.
Last night, I realized I might very well be stuck in this body forever. Given everything that's been wrong and how LONG it's been wrong, it's quite likely that my metabolism will never be what it was. It's very possible that I am going to look like this for the rest of my life. That was utterly and completely horrifying to me, even though I know better. Even though I accept other people who are my size or larger as being beautiful.
Even right now, I am thinking about the things I could do to lose weight, and then I'm thinking about the actual real life success rates of those things. I'm also thinking about how weight cycling is more detrimental to my health than just staying fat. I'm thinking about how I need to focus on behaviors and let the weight fall where it may. But I'm also thinking if I'm going to stay fat forever, why bother?
It's hard. It really is. And I just wanted to put it out there in case anyone else out there is struggling between these two ideas.
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