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This is a private journal which means I have no desire or plans to filter myself. This means I will say words that would make my grandmother cry. If this doesn't appeal to you, GTFO. If you think you can change me, GTFO. Basically, if we're not already friends, GTFO.

Weight loss and body acceptance.

Missy asked me something today that made me stop and think. As my BFF for the past six years, she’s watched me go through diet after diet, exercise plan after exercise plan. And she’s watched me kick my own ass repeatedly. She asked me what was different about this time. Why is it that I’m really sticking with it? What makes this Primal thing different for me? Well, honestly – I’ve given myself permission to fail sometimes.

There are going to be days when I don’t follow these rules I set up inside my head, and you know what? That’s okay. One “bad” food choice isn’t going to put all the weight back on, but you know what will? Saying, “Welp, I failed, so fuck it – I’ma eat ALLLLL the cake!”

Another thing? I’ve quit labeling food as “bad” or “good”. I’ve given myself permission to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and in any quantity I want. If I want to eat the whole cake, I have permission to do that. Oddly enough, I don’t want the cake. I want a banana and some almonds. Or some grilled chicken. Or some salad. (God, I could go for a salad right now. SRSLY. Oh, hey – I’ll just go have one!)

I’ve also given myself permission to work out or not, to exercise or lounge, whatever. I’m not attached to some rigid system of rules for myself that mean if I “break” a rule, I’m a total failure at everything. For whatever reason, it’s worked out pretty well. I work out on a regular basis, and when I miss a day – meh, no big deal.

Part of this is reading all the lovely, encouraging blogs in the “fatosphere.” I love me some me, and that’s whether I’m a size 24 or a size 4. I’ve learned that being fat isn’t a statement about my character. It’s not a moral decision. It is what it is, and it doesn’t say a word about my value as a human being.

Now I can say that, and you’re probably asking, “So, why continue to lose weight?” Well, my knees hurt when I walk. Losing weight can help with that. My blood pressure is borderline high (which…hey! Improvement! Just a few months ago, it was well into high! Losing 10% of my body weight dropped my BP like a stone!). Mostly, I’m doing it BECAUSE I love me some me, and my weight is killing me.

DO NOT START. I’m not saying every fat person needs to lose weight to be healthy. I’m not saying fat people can’t be healthy. I’m saying that I happen to know that losing some more weight will lower my blood pressure further. I know that losing weight will alleviate a good bit of my joint pain. I am NOT saying losing weight will make me prettier or happier or anything else.

And the fact that I had to say all that pisses me off a little. If body acceptance is about…you know, BODY ACCEPTANCE, then why do I feel like I have to apologize for losing weight? Why do I see so many other “fat” bloggers apologizing for wanting to lose weight? Body policing is body policing, kids, whether it’s the thinspo groups or the fat acceptance groups.

ANYWAY. I want to thank the fat/body acceptance movement for helping me see that what someone weighs says NOTHING about their value as a person, that it’s okay for me to buy “big” clothes that I love, that I am absolutely gorgeous whatever happens with my weight. Now quit telling me I’m betraying you if I keep on keeping on. As long as we’re doing what’s HEALTHY FOR US, it’s our business. Really.

TL;DR – I love me some me. You should love you some you and let everyone else do their thing.
So, have you ever woken up and thought, “My God, my life is glorious”? Have you ever felt like every little thing was genuinely going to be all right? You’re not sure what you did or how to keep it going, but suddenly, the Universe (or God, if you like) is sort of capering around behind the scenes like Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol” plotting ways to make your life better?

I am filled with so. much. joy. lately. There are times I legitimately feel like my heart is going to burst if I have one more beautiful moment or if just one more loving, supportive, amazing person comes into my life. I feel so very, very blessed and lucky and grateful.

Basically, this post is to say thank you to all the people in my life who have helped me get to this place. Even the ones who weren’t trying to help at all. Maybe them especially. Without them, I would not be able to be so fucking grateful for the marvelous people in my life now.

Now, go out and be amazing and shit, y’all. Oh, wait. You’re ALREADY fucking amazing. So…carry on.